Thursday, August 16, 2012

The Old Me vs The New Me, Which Equals....

....a lot of conversations in my head.

Back in the day, in my youth (because I anticlimacticly turned 30 and also because I've aged significantly this past month, AGAIN), I rode horses, a lot. Okay, so one of our businesses is still riding horses, but I have rarely had the chance the past fours years. But anyway, I was pretty good and undoubtably could have a gotten a lot better. What I was really good at was riding querky horses. Like querky 'don't move a muscle while riding or else you will rocket into space' type of horses, not like querky 'I'm so lazy I live in my parents basement'. Those I don't tolerate so well. I loved riding racehorses and could, for the most part, sit quietly while they performed all sorts of tricks underneath me without really caring. And I especially loved riding this crazy boy here:

Case in point: I'm riding here with only 2 fingers holding my left rein, because my little finger broke on a racehorse's neck when he was goofing off. Also, this is actually a big jump. Jake just made everything look puny and unimpressive and the Leo in me just can't let that go.

Anyway, I would like to say that this ability of mine is due to raw talent or intense training or really anything other than the fact that I don't have reflexes. Seriously, when I go to the doctor and they hit my knee, nada. And if Tom tosses me the car keys, they bounce right off my forehead before I even blink. So it could look like I'm calm and collected on a wild 2 year old, but honestly it just doesn't occur to me to react or be particularly scared until a few minutes later. And later, I'll be scared and shaky. When it all hits me. I think this is why you do want me on your side in a true emergency. I will stay calm and get it all taken care of. Just don't give me too much time to think about it. I'll F it up then. Or put me on a horse you have to actively kick. I'll F it up then too. But weird random emergencies...I'm your girl.

This horse was later put down because it hurt a jockey so badly and was just that crazy and dangerous, and my guess was inbred or something. I had to hire a neighboring barn's lead pony just to get me up to the track and back. It could buck at a full gallop.

I loved teaching horses to break from the gates. Another good time to not move a whole bunch.

Okay, so I now find myself a parent (so weird) and so many circumstances are completely and frustratingly out of my control. That laid back and non-reactive nature has been pushed to the limit. To combat it, this crazy, scheduled organizer has entered my personality. Now, that could be good, except it's an unpracticed, crazy, scheduled organizer that's invaded. That's just stressful. Fortunately, on top of all these stellar qualities, I also internalize with the best of them, so I think my children are thus far unscathed. Tom will never be the same. Lucky man.

Somehow, at least in my head, this relates to a fun day we had this week. Tom, Eve, James, and I went down to Fort Worth to visit an old friend of mine I'd always stayed in touch with but hadn't actually seen in around 10 years. We've tried to meet up in the past couple years, but each time James has gotten sick ad we couldn't travel. We were supposed to head up for a visit the day after we were admitted to the hospital this time. On a fun...ish twist of fate, Sean had a show down here and we were stiiiiillll heeeerrreee.
I was all worried about too much heat for James, not only because of sweat and the PICC line and all, but also because he typically gets either hot or cold really quickly or hungry and wont eat or has to go to the bathroom but wont or something and then the whole outing that was supposed to be fun just sucks and then I never want to leave the house ever ever again. That sounds super selfish but really it's the whole family and big picture and just reality.
I had this little trip planned with what time we'd get there and what time we'd leave so we could get James back in time to hook up to tpn at a certain time so that I could unhook him at a certain time in the morning, blah blah blah. But we get there and Sean's phone had run out of batteries so we had no clue where he was on an 85 acre show ground and James was asleep in the car and Eve WASN'T! After walking around we stumbled across Sean and the fact that the whole frigging place was air conditioned. Then I realized I'd been riding in the wrong horse sports my entire life. THEN I realized that you can't cut a visit short after 10 years, especially when the story telling is just getting good. So we stayed hours after I had planned and came home and everything was fine.
That almost sounds like a dumb story that wasn't really a story until you read: everything was fine. It was Tom who pointed it out when he said, "wow, that was really fun and nothing bad happened."
It's hard because it's a false sense of security with the tpn, but we are catching glimpses of a more normal life and, most importantly, glimpses of who our son really is and wants to be. The next step is how to keep him.

I never imagined Sean holding any baby, let alone my SECOND baby, let alone having his OWN baby. I feel so grown up.

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